Photo shoot with Photographer Andrew Werner

Posted in The Fierceness on June 17, 2010 by jackmax2

For Jack Mackenroth, working with photographer Andrew Werner is a perfect symbiotic relationship.  A decisive and quick thinker, Werner works to produce quality, stylized and relevant photographs. He knows what he wants and has an amazing eye for what ‘works’ and what doesn’t.

“Andrew is one of the nicest, easiest photographers to work with,” says Mackenroth. “Since I just turned 41, honestly, I don’t know how many more photo shoots I have left in me so it’s always great to work with someone you know and get along with. He understands about the importance of lighting someone who isn’t 21 anymore. It also helps that he has nice things to say about me, too.”

“Everyone knows that Jack Mackenroth has great style,” expressed Andrew. ”So naturally when I arrived at our shoot, I was eager to see what the stylist had selected. After Jack tried on  several outfits, he then, in perfectly witty ‘Jack style’ asked me,  Clothes on or off? I instantly knew this would be a fun few hours. Our plan was to capture drama, depth and beauty. Jack’s open, vibrant personality led him to comfortably run around half-naked; which gave me a great opportunity to share the different sides of one man with the rest of the world.”

“My vision was to capture Jack’s unique essence and energy through my lens; a man who has not only been HIV-positive for over 20 years, but a man who is a sex symbol, and more importantly a role model for the entire gay community.”

It goes without saying, then, that Mackenroth and Werner make a great team and produce some of the best work together. Mackenroth added,” As a designer myself it’s a leap of faith for me to hand over creative control to someone else. With Andrew it was cool because he allowed me to help edit the photos and be a part of the entire creative process.”
Jack is currently producing a web series called The Queens of Drag: NYC which will launch on Gay.com in September. He is also working on 2 other TV projects and writing his memoir which will be out this Christmas. You can find more information about him at Jackmackenroth.com and follow him on Twitter at twitter.com/jackmackenroth

Find out more about Andrew Werner at andrewwererphotography.com

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Playing Positive: HIV-Positive Athletes Then and Now

Posted in The Fierceness on June 14, 2010 by jackmax2

I think Hana does a great job of reigniting the conversation about POZ athletes. However I do think even more stress needs to be aimed at everyone knowing their status and anyone who is HIV+ should maintain an undetectable viral load. This would seriously decrease the possibility of open sport infection. As always more education is needed for everyone.

Original article for the Paly Voice HERE.

by Hana Kajimura of Viking

Creative Commons: cliff1066

“Magic took AIDS out of the closet and put it on the kitchen table,” Roy Johnson said. “He made it comfortable, or at least more comfortable to talk about.”

The crowd rises to its feet as a purple 32 flashes past the scorer’s table. On January 30, 1996, Earvin “Magic” Johnson makes his reappearing act with nine minutes and 39 seconds remaining in the first quarter. After missing his first shot, Magic makes an assist for a three, sinks a right-handed runner, and then posts up for a left-handed hook. Los Angeles Lakers lead by 11. With four minutes left in the first quarter, Magic pump-fakes a pass past Golden State Warrior Latrell Spreewell for an easy lay-up. In 27 minutes, Magic scores 19 points, with 10 assists and eight rebounds, leading the Lakers to a 128-118 victory over the Warriors. As the game ends with the ball in his hands, he pumps his fist and flashes a 100-watt smile. The Magic is back.

He may have been five years older and 30 pounds heavier, but the Magic who entered the game in January of 1996 played with the same heart as the Magic who left it on Nov. 7th, 1991. Only five years earlier, Earvin “Magic” Johnson announced his immediate retirement from the Los Angeles Lakers after contracting HIV, through unprotected sex with women. With little information and little understanding about HIV, many feared for Magic’s life, let alone his career. So, Magic did what no one expected when he took the court against the Warriors; he was living with HIV, not dying of AIDS.

“You can give athletes as many statistics as you want,” Phil Taylor of Sports Illustrated said in a recent interview with The Viking, “but it wouldn’t have the same effect as seeing Magic Johnson healthy and strong, as they see him now. That’s the proof. Magic’s not only surviving, but he’s thriving.”

AIDS: THE BIG PICTURE

With the exception of in high profile cases like Magic Johnson’s, the subject of HIV does not come up very often in the world of sports, but it should. Magic made his announcement in the early 90’s when many students at Palo Alto High School were just beginning their lives. As we grew up, so did the world’s knowledge about HIV prevention and treatment. As Palo Altans, we still thought that AIDS was remote. Magic showed us that HIV was here, in our arenas and courts.

HIV/AIDS affects men and women, gay and straight, San Franciscans and Africans, adults and children, drug users and athletes. HIV positive athletes today strengthen immune systems by staying active. They also help tear down stigma on and off the court by showing that AIDS is no longer a disease for “those people”; it is our disease. Those with HIV, especially athletes, face increased discrimination, raising questions about disclosure.

The Viking was also interested in how the issue of HIV would be handled in the setting of a high school athletic program like Paly’s. Over the course of eight months, The Viking held exclusive interviews with the Lakers team physician in 1991, the reporters who broke Magic’s story and a number of athletes living and playing with HIV.

THE MAGIC NUMBER, 1991

Before Magic’s press conference in 1991, AIDS was someone else’s disease, a disease for gay males and drug users. AIDS was not for someone like Magic, a heterosexual National Basketball Association (NBA) superstar at the peak of his career. Suddenly, AIDS became everyone’s disease.

Magic represents the changing face of AIDS in the early 90’s, when the tipping point changed from dying of AIDS to living with HIV due to advances in antiretroviral drugs.

“People just thought that with HIV, death was imminent,” Taylor said.

Dr. Michael Mellman, the Laker’s team physician at the time, sidelined Magic when the diagnosis was made.

“We just had to evaluate him and see what was going to happen,” Dr. Mellman said. “He needed to be evaluated and treatment initiated. In that era, we still had to understand the nature and the serverity of the diease, and excessive exercise could have been detrimental.”

Newspapers and magazines began “gathering string” for obituaries. Athletes ran from the press conference crying while others remember not being able to breathe.

For the most part, they were right to be scared for Magic. Twenty years ago, the prognosis for those with HIV was grim. Few treatment options existed, and even those did not stop the progression from HIV to AIDS. Death seemed inevitable in a few months or a few years.

In an interview with The Viking in March, Roy Johnson, editor of Men’s Fitness Magazine, recounted this fear. A longtime friend of Magic’s, Roy Johnson interviewed the NBA star and detailed the story from Magic’s point of view in a special edition of Sports Illustrated.

“People didn’t know whether they could hug him,” Roy Johnson said. “They didn’t know whether they could eat next to him, they didn’t know what would happen if he breathed on them, or if they could sit in a car next to him. He faced much of the same discrimination that other people with HIV faced.”

A few NBA players, such as Karl Malone of the Utah Jazz, were outspoken about their desire for Magic to leave the league. Regardless of who said what, everyone felt that retirement was not the best option, but the only option for Magic, out of fear for his health and for their own.

“I think he still wanted to play, and he was still capable of playing,” Roy Johnson said, “But it was too much to bear thinking that every time he got cut, the entire arena might gasp.”

AWAY FROM THE HEADLINES

I was born in 1991. It was also the year of the Rodney King Riots in Los Angeles, CA, the year the U.S. warred with Iraq to end of the Gulf War, the year the Minnesota Twins battled the Atlanta Braves to win the World Series, and the year Bill Clinton campaigned against George Bush Sr. for the presidency.

Away from the headlines, millions around the world fought a losing battle against the new pandemic: AIDS.

Magic Johnson shocked the world that year with his announcement. Off-screen, the world began trying to cope with a global disease. In 1991, someone died of AIDS every eight minutes. The World Health Organization (WHO) projected that by the year 2000, 40 million people would be infected with HIV.

But AIDS was not an issue for me, or for Palo Alto. In 1991, the seniors that I will be graduating with were just learning to roll over. Statistics show, however, that people around me in 1991 were living with HIV. Since 1983, 2,119 people have died of AIDS in Santa Clara County, while another 2,046 are still living with AIDS.

Africa faces an entirely different reality: dying with AIDS. When I was 13, I went to Ethiopia on a trip sponsored by the Packard Foundation. I saw kids who were sick and parents who were dying. At one rural youth center, a sea of dusty blue and green uniformed children, and a hundred pairs of eyes welcomed me. Each of the children had lost a family member, a friend, or a neighbor to AIDS.

All my life, headlines had told me that AIDS was a disease for someone else. After that visit, AIDS became more personal. What I saw in Ethiopia taught me that AIDS was for women, for children, for married couples. In Sub-Saharan Africa, AIDS is largely contracted through mother-to-child transmission and unprotected heterosexual sex. According to the US Census Bureau in 2003, 12 percent of pregnant women in Ethiopia were HIV positive with little access to treatment or hope of survival.

AIDS MEANS SOMEONE ELSE

Fast forward. Here at Palo Alto High School, graduation of the class of 2010 is a week away. AIDS is still just a red ribbon. HIV is taught among a handful of other STD’s in a Living Skills sexual education unit.

On Paly’s courts and fields, there is no policy or plan of action in place regarding student athletes who have HIV/AIDS. Paly Athletic Director Earl Hansen says he knows of no such policy. Central Coast Section (CCS) and California Interscholastic Federation (CIF) have no specific policies regarding HIV, CCS Commissioner Nancy Blaser said in an email.

In Paly athletics, AIDS still means someone else.

“I would be stunned if I found out that someone on one of my sports teams was HIV positive,” Boys’ varsity soccer forward and varsity lacrosse middie Kris Hoglund (‘12) said.

Girls’ varsity lacrosse middie and varsity basketball guard Lauren Mah (‘10) agrees.

“I would be in a daze that HIV could really hit so close to home,” Mah said.

Maybe Paly should not be so shocked. Though they may be few and far between, high school students with HIV are not unheard of.

Swimmer Jack Mackenroth with various medals from the Gay Games

“Of course there are HIV positive athletes in high school, of course there are,” Jack Mackenroth, 41, an HIV positive swimmer in New York, said. “There are 1.1 million HIV positive people living in the United States. Nearly a quarter of them don’t know it yet.”

Current statistics suggest that Mackenroth’s assumption is correct. According to the United States Agency for International Development (USAID), there were 1,392 reported cases of 13-19 year old Californians living with HIV as of September 30, 2009. Approximately half of all new adult HIV infections occur in 15-24 year olds.

“Teenagers are sexually active, and they think that they are invincible,” Mackenroth said. “You have to realize that I was only 20 when I got HIV, so I wasn’t that far out of high school.”

WHO TO TELL? THE DISCLOSURE ISSUE

While Mackenroth is living proof that HIV can affect young athletes, many students in the Paly community cannot identify with the possibility of infection.

“I’d want to know why and how the hell he got it,” varsity wrestler Jack Sakai (‘10) said. “How many people do you know at Paly with HIV?”

Good question. Without mandatory disclosure, HIV positive athletes face a decision about sharing their HIV status. Francis Broome, 35, an HIV positive basketball player in San Francisco, recalls that disclosure is not easy for fear of discrimination.

“It’s like coming out all over again,” Broome said. “You lose some people in the process. Your feelings can get trampled on if you don’t develop a thick coat quickly.”

While disclosure of HIV status is a gamble, being open and honest about HIV can send a powerful message.

“I can count on one hand the number of celebrities or public figures who are open about their HIV status,” Mackenroth said. As a contestant on BRAVO’s Project Runway in 2007, Mackenroth used his elevated visibility to bring the discussion of HIV and AIDS into millions of household living rooms.

“I was happy to take on the role of the HIV positive poster boy.”

Broome believes that there is far more to gain from honesty and openness when it comes to HIV and AIDS.

“I have told people for various reasons,” Broome said. “To educate, to bond, to allay fears and concerns, so they can put a face to ‘those people’, to teach, to come out of my shell, to help with my own discomfort, to show that it’s just a disease and will not cripple me from living my life.”

The debate about whether or not athletes should disclose their HIV status is far from settled. Magic went public days after he found out, while Olympic diver Greg Louganis came out in his autobiography years after a potentially threatening diving accident at the Seoul Olympics in 1988, in which he hit his head on the diving board.

WHEN PLAYING MEANS BLOOD

At Paly, administration, coaches and athletes alike advocate full disclosure, but for different reasons.

“I don’t believe there is a law that says you have to [disclose HIV], but there should be,” Paly Athletic Director Earl Hansen said.

Hansen’s stance is largely fueled by his concern for student athletes.

“They could be a danger to anyone,” Hansen said. “I don’t know if you can keep something that serious a secret. How would you feel if you had an open wound and you were wrestling somebody and they were HIV positive but you didn’t know it? Then you caught it. How are you going to feel?”

Others in Paly’s community of student athletes echo Hansen’s opinion.

“If someone on my team had HIV, I would really want to know who it was,” varsity wrestler Joey Christopherson (‘12) said. “I would not feel comfortable wrestling someone with HIV.”

Sakai, a teammate of Christopherson’s, feels the same way.

“I’d avoid drilling with that guy altogether,” Sakai said. “In wrestling, it’s not rare to see blood being shed, even at practice.”

In wrestling, bloody noses, scratches, and cuts from shoes and headgear are seldom cause for alarm. Even so, Golden Gate Wrestling Club coach Gene Dermody, 61, notes that fear and misinformation still create a fog around HIV positive athletes. Over the last 30 years, Dermody has coached many HIV positive wrestlers though he himself is HIV negative.

“Homophobia is rapidly dying a quick death in this new generation,” Dermody said. “But HIV fears are still there and in many cases, warranted.”

HIV positive athletes also worry about putting their competitors at risk.

“There were the occasional ‘what if’s’ that came to my mind,” Broome said. “What if I got injured and bled during a game?”

Athletic competitions at all levels and across most sports have regulations that immediately remove athletes from the game if they draw blood. Since the AIDS virus is most commonly transmitted in athletics through blood-to-blood contact, sports with the highest risk of transmission include wresting, boxing and rugby. In other sports, such as soccer or basketball, transmission is a lot less likely. A basketball player’s risk of contracting AIDS from incidental touching is 1 in 85 million, according to the Center for Disease Control. Additionally, HIV transmission through sport poses a significantly smaller risk of infection compared to ringworm or other skin diseases.

PLAYING HARD, PLAYING SAFE

HIV positive athletes are not only concerned with the health of their competitors, but also with their own.

One Sunday morning in May, Chuck Louden, 48, and the PosPeds team were riding at the Russian River when it began to rain. About a quarter of the cyclists decided to pedal back to San Francisco; the rest ended their ride.

“The riding conditions are not that great,” Louden said. “I don’t want to get sick. My immune system isn’t as strong as everybody else’s. I certainly want to be a part of the game, and exercise and work out, but I’ve also got to take precautions. Today it’s raining, and it’s not worth getting sick. HIV has taught me that I’m number one. I come first.”

Despite any added risk, sports are a better option than the alternative.

“I’d rather be out peddling with my friends or running with my running group than sitting in a meeting where people are smoking cigarettes and complaining that they’re getting sick,” Louden said. “You have to stick with the winners.”

POSITIVE PROGRESS

Since that autumn day in 1991 when Magic stood at the podium and shook the sports world with his HIV announcement, much has changed. Protocol is now in place about injuries and blood in athletic competitions; physicians have become experts on effective treatments; and laws protect the rights of those living with HIV/AIDS. Athletes like Magic Johnson and Chuck Louden provide examples of positive approaches to living and competing with HIV.

“Fifteen to 20 years ago, people felt sorry for us,” Louden said. “I was always really clear that I did not want people feeling sorry for me. I didn’t feel sorry for myself, and I didn’t want to be an object of pity.”

HIV is not a sure death sentence for an athlete anymore; it is an obstacle that is no longer a reason to stop playing or to feel excluded.

“I’m not ashamed of having HIV,” Louden said. “Don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy, but I’m not ashamed of it. There’s nothing wrong with me.”

Paly has also come a long way in the last 20 years. Though the school and CCS conference still lack a policy concerning HIV positive athletes, this community has raised its awareness. Attitudes are changing.

“On the field, you’re all just athletes,” Mah said. “You don’t think about who to treat differently because the biggest form of respect is challenging someone to make them stronger.”

Editor’s Note: The quote from Dr. Michael Mellman has been modified in this online version to accurately reflect his opinion of Magic Johnson’s health in the early 1990s.

ABOUT THE WRITER: Hana Kajimura is a newly graduated high school senior from Palo Alto, CA, who will be attending Stanford University in the fall.

She traveled to Ethiopia with the Packard Foundation when she was 13 years old, were she became interested in HIV and AIDS. Upon returning to Palo Alto and noticing that her community didn’t pay any attention to the issue, she held soccer clinics and started a FACE AIDS chapter at her high school to raise money and awareness. As an editor of her high school sports magazine, The Viking, Hana drew the connection between HIV and Sport and decided to write an article about HIV positive athletes in order to spark discussion in her community. “Playing Positive” appeared in the June issue of The Viking.

amfAR Inspiration gala NYC

Posted in The Fierceness on June 3, 2010 by jackmax2

Celebrating Men’s Style

THE INSPIRATION GALAS to take place in New York, Paris, and Los Angeles; KYLIE MINOGUE to host New York Inspiration Gala on June 3, 2010, at the New York Public Library; RICKY MARTIN and Jean-Paul Gaultier to be honored

Hope to see you there tonight!!! I’m hemming my pants as soon as I’m finished typing.

New York, June 3, 2010—amfAR, The Foundation for AIDS Research will launch the Inspiration Galas, a series of fundraising events celebrating all aspects of men’s style. The series, produced by Josh Wood Productions, will take place in New York, Paris, and Los Angeles.

Kylie Minogue, the international pop star and style icon who is preparing to release her eleventh studio album, will host the inaugural Inspiration Gala at the New York Public Library on Thursday, June 3, 2010.  “I’m honored to join the list of prestigious designers as the host of amfAR’s inaugural Inspiration Gala at the historical New York Public Library and to help raise awareness and funds for AIDS research,” said Ms. Minogue.

Jean-Paul Gaultier and Ricky Martin will be the first recipients of the amfAR Award of Inspiration, presented at the New York Inspiration Gala.  Mr. Gaultier, who will attend both the New York and Paris events, will be honored for his lifetime contributions to menswear design and for his enduring humanitarian spirit.

Mr. Martin will be honored for his extensive philanthropic endeavors through the Ricky Martin Foundation, including constant advocacy for the health and welfare of children around the globe and recent rebuilding efforts in Haiti.  “I’ve been looking forward to this special night since amfAR first reached out to me a few months ago,” said Mr. Martin. “Their pioneering research has been a key factor in nearly eliminating the transmission of AIDS to infants at birth, and I strongly believe that amfAR’s continued research, prevention and treatment efforts are an essential part of the continued fight to help people at risk throughout the world.”

Grammy-winning singer and rapper Estelle will perform a special DJ set during the runway show, and will debut her new single as part of the set.

The Inspiration Galas will revolve around a new style theme each year: The 2010 design theme is “Black Tie/Black Leather.”  Global leaders in menswear design, including Band of Outsiders, Neil Barrett, John Bartlett, Michael Bastian, Bess, Bottega Veneta, Thom Browne, Richard Chai, Kenneth Cole, Dolce & Gabanna, DSquared, Tom Ford, Jean-Paul Gaultier, Robert Geller, Tim Hamilton, Hugo Boss, Marc Jacobs, Calvin Klein Collection, Karl Lagerfeld, Ralph Lauren, Rick Owens, Prada, Trussardi, Viktor & Rolf, Y3, and Yves Saint Laurent, will present their inspirations in runway shows in New York and Los Angeles. Simon Doonan will then lead an auction of the designer runway items, with proceeds to benefit amfAR.  A formal dinner will follow, featuring the presentations of the amfAR Award of Inspiration.

The Paris Inspiration Gala will be held on June 25, 2010, and Los Angeles event will be held in October 2010.

amfAR, The Foundation for AIDS Research is one of the world’s leading nonprofit organizations dedicated to the support of AIDS research, HIV prevention, treatment education, and the advocacy of sound AIDS-related public policy. Since 1985, amfAR has invested more than $307 million in its programs and has awarded grants to more than 2,000 research teams worldwide.


For tickets, please contact David Yu at amfAR: (212) 806-1615 or david.yu@amfar.org

HILARIOUS blogger–Allie at Hyperbole and a Half

Posted in The Fierceness on June 1, 2010 by jackmax2

I just discovered this amazing blogger that makes me pee. Read more about her here.

An excerpt from her most recent post is below.

Sneaky Hate Spiral

Most of the time, I’m pretty even-tempered.  Aside from the odd nervous breakdown or caffeine-induced bliss-seizure, I have the emotional variation of sand.  However, every once in a great while, I’ll lapse into what I like to call a “sneaky hate spiral.”

The buildup:

Sneaky hate spirals begin simply enough.  In fact, that is one of the hallmarks of sneaky hate spirals – they are merely the confluence of many unremarkable annoyances.

Your day begins poorly.

Before you’ve had a chance to recover from your unpleasant awakening, you are pummeled by a series of unfortunate events.  There are probably some loud and/or persistent sounds mixed in there, too.
The little frustrations start to happen more quickly.  They ping against your psyche like hundreds of tiny pebbles.

Eventually, the sum of the small annoyances begins to exceed your capacity for patience and rational thought.  All it would take to send you over the edge into a bottomless pit of angry hysteria is just one more tiny, little thing…

The turning point:

The turning point is usually a minor but slightly jarring incident, initiated by some force of nature that cannot be blamed or scolded – like gravity or sleeplessness or wind.  That last specification is very important.  In order to send you into truly batshit crazy hysterics, the final straw must cause anger that cannot rationally be directed outward in any way.

Alexander Foxworth: 15 years and counting…an HIV story.

Posted in The Fierceness on May 27, 2010 by jackmax2

Alexander Foxworth

An inspiring Facebook post by Alexander Foxworth. Link back to his post here.

It’s late.
I am watching the clock as midnight gets closer and closer.

Every year on the 25th of May, I get “anxious”, for lack of better words over this date, due to a major event that changed my life forever in 1995.

It’s the words that no one ever wants to hear.

No matter how much one may ponder the subject and think of what they would do when hearing a certain phrase, facing a certain event, or put in an uncomfortable situation, one never knows, truly, how he/she would act when the moment arrives.

It was May 25th, 1995 that I had to learn this the hard way.

I was living in Charlotte, NC and was doing well.

I’ve always been one to try and help others within my means, so I used to give blood and plasma on a frequent basis.

I remember shortly before the 25th, I went to a local plasma center, close to my neighborhood, and went through the “normal routine” of questions and forms to fill out before donating.

The nurse was such a kind-hearted and intelligent lady, who called me “green eyes”, which just made me smile and eased my nervousness, since I had, on occasion, gotten fairly nauseous when donating plasma. She put me at ease and I was all set.

Everything went according to plan and, surprisingly, I didn’t feel any nausea. I walked out, beaming, since I knew that I had “done my good deed” for the day.

Just a couple of days later, I received an urgent phone call for me to come back to the center. No reasons were given. Nothing would be discussed via telephone.

My heart pounded and I felt my world beginning to crumble.

Is she going to tell me…?? Am I going to hear what I have fought for so hard to avoid??? So many things ran through my mind.

The next day, the 25th, I walked into the plasma center.

I knew, then and there, I was about to hear what I had been dreading since the telephone call the day before. The reason being is because the staff were above and beyond courteous.

“Are you ok, Mr. Foxworth?”. “Is there anything that you would like to drink or eat?”. “Can we interest you in a good book or magazine, while you wait?”. I felt like I was at a resort…not a plasma center!

Then, the kind-hearted nurse stepped out and asked me to come into her office.

Deep down, I knew what she was about to say. What is so strange about the human mind is that, ALL the way up to the words coming out of her mouth, I thought I knew how I would handle this.

Boy, was I so wrong.

I sat at a small desk in a small office…feeling quite edgy and just wanting to get this over with.

She grabbed her clipboard that had my file attached, looked at me and finally said the words that I had dreaded for so many years: “Mr. Foxworth, my dear ‘green eyes’…I don’t know how to say this.”. Tears started forming in her eyes and then it came out: “I’m so, so sorry, but you have tested positive for the HIV virus.”.

There are no words that I could ever say or write to describe the flood of emotion that fills one up inside when confronted with those words and one’s own mortality.

Before I knew it, I had collapsed across her desk and sobbed like I had never sobbed in my entire life…and that is putting it mildly.

For years, I had friends and even boyfriends, who were positive and I always thought that if it happened to me, I would be sad, but would be strong and handle it with ease.

Unless someone, unfortunately, walks in these shoes, NO ONE can ever say how they would truly act.

After I composed myself, wrapped in this nurse’s arms, I walked out of the center.

Naturally, as if in a movie, we had a downpour. I had my tears flowing as I drove back home along with the rain on my windshield. I’m actually amazed that I even made it home, considering all things combined.

From that point, my mind went numb.

I went into a “dark space”, which I hope to never go into again.

I slept all day. Drank my sorrows away at night. Basically, ceased to live from that point on.

I just existed.

Then, a few months later, I was going to a small club called Oleen’s, which has since closed, and proceeded to do my nightly ritual of wallowing in sorrow, feel sorry for myself, and get as drunk as humanly possible.

A stranger. Someone whom I had never seen before, approached me at the bar and, without me even saying a WORD, seemed to already sense what was going on with me.

He leant in and just bluntly asked “So, you got ‘the news’,eh?”.

I was stunned!

HOW did he know?

Was I THAT obvious???

I looked at him through drunken tears and just nodded.

He then wrapped his arm around my shoulder and said “I’m going to ask you ONE question that I really want you to think about.”.

Not knowing this guy and being in the condition that I was in, I was somewhat wary, but was SO desperate for any sort of comfort, I just looked at him and said “Ok.”.

Then, with his ONE question, he changed my life forever: “Are you LIVING with HIV or are you DYING from HIV? That is what you need to ask yourself. The rest will fall into place.”.

I was dumbfounded.

Such simple words, yet SO powerful and it felt as if a ton of bricks had hit me in the head.

I WAS alive.

I WAS breathing.

I WAS…here!

Since that night, I have never looked back in self pity.

I appreciate every single day that I wake up.

I appreciate every friend that I’ve made and the ones that I continue to make.

I don’t just look at a sunrise/sunset and think “Oh, that’s nice.”, but actually STOP and look in awe at the beauty in this world that so many of us take for granted.

IN a strange way, HIV helped me to become a better person. To appreciate the little things in life that we see every single day, yet don’t REALLY notice them, unless we are confronted with some type of bad situation.

We are all a work in progress and I am, by no means, a “perfect man”. But, I have become a BETTER man.

With anything in life, one has two choices: to let the situation control YOU or YOU control the situation. It’s all about inner strength and the will to survive.

Yes, it’s sad that it took HIV for me to realize so many things that I should have already learned, but I am thankful that I did, indeed, finally realize them.

All I can say to those out there who may be dealing with the same situation, is to remember that same question: “Are you LIVING with HIV or are you DYING from it?”.

My wish, of course, is that there WAS no HIV or, at least, that there was a cure. I haven’t give up hope and never will, but, until that day, I must continue to remind myself that I am sitting here LIVING and will continue to fight this battle all the way to the end.

So, today, May 25th, 2010, it is now 15 years since that day.

My, how time goes by so quickly.

However, if I have anything to do with it, I will be around in 15 MORE years to continue to tell my tale, in hopes of helping at least ONE person realize that there IS life after an HIV diagnosis.

I am living proof.

So, CHEERS to life.

May The Higher Being bless all of you and, in my heart of hearts, I hope that no one has to go through what I went through that day.

However, IF you do, PLEASE remember that it is NOT the end of the world and life WILL go on. It may not seem like it in the beginning, but, trust me, the light WILL come on in time.

Thank you to all who have read my story.

If I have touched just ONE person from this, then it was all worthwhile.

Much love and best wishes to everyone…
Xander

PS/ WEAR A DAMN CONDOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!